Just an Illusion
by p r o w l i n g w o l f
Summary: Based on the song 'Torn' by Nathalie Imbruglia: Hermione reflects on the past year, how some things went horribly wrong - basically, DracoHermione gone bad


A/N: This is a short fic based on Nathalie Imbruglia's 'Torn'. . . I'm actually pretty proud of it (yes, I know I'm modest).   
But it's also thanks to Kris, my beta-reader, it turned out so well – everyone clap for her!!! *loud applause is heard* 

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_Why did he never truly see me? Why did I never realize? Now that it's too late. . . there is no turning back time. . . and even if I could - perhaps I would not want to. . . I should not have let myself be fooled so easily. . ._

Hermione lay on her back in the grass, contemplating the events of the past year. Tears were slowly running down her face, leaving trails on her otherwise unblemished face. Slowly, they got lost in her tangle of hair; their short life ended after having completed the journey across her cheeks. 

Everything that had happened still seemed unreal. 

_How did I get here? How did I end up like this? I should be somewhere else, my usual self, studying diligently. . .ignorant to the ways of the world and the pain they bring with them. . ._

Slowly, her chapped lips started forming long-forgotten words and she was singing softly to herself. 

_I thought I saw a man brought to life  
He was warm  
He came around like he was dignified  
He showed me what it was to cry_

Yes, she had thought Draco Malfoy had changed. Somehow, he had seemed different, almost. . .human. Why had her usually suspicious mind not realized earlier that it was simply impossible? 

_Never trust a Malfoy! Why couldn't I just stick to my principles? I knew I couldn't trust him! How could I have let down my guard?_

He had come to her that evening when all things had gone wrong. She had been sitting in the library, crying. Nobody had come to find or comfort her and she had felt utterly lonely. 

_What was I crying about anyway? Oh yes, Ron. . ._

Pain twisted across her face at that memory, contorting it into a mask of human misery. 

_Well you couldn't be that man I adored  
You don't seem to know  
Seem to care what your heart is for _  


Her friend Ron – inconsiderate at times, but nevertheless her friend. She remembered how she had liked him, how happy she had been when he had asked her out - and how she had realized that he didn't really appreciate her, didn't really love her. He seemed to take her for granted – most people did. She was so sick of it, sick of being used over and over again. So she had decided to take action, paying a terrible price for it. She would never forget the look of hurt on his face when she had finally broken up with him, how he could not understand what had gone wrong. 

At the realization that now people did not only not appreciate her, but even hated her, more tears were brought into this world only to disappear again. She had hurt one of her best friends and then she had betrayed them – not only Harry and Ron, but all of Gryffindor, all those who had believed in her – just because of Draco. 

_Caring, compassionate Draco. . .NO! I can't be thinking of him in this way! It was all just pretending, all just scheming to get into my pants!_

At this, Hermione shuddered. 

_Yes, I finally felt loved. . .the irony of it. That my worst enemy would give me the one thing I wanted most. . . only to take it away again. . . How could he? That git. . .taking advantage of me and my feelings like that! I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!!! _

He had seemed so concerned, so. . ._noble_ when he had comforted her that night, as if he really did care. She had poured her heart out to Draco, her arch enemy. She had cried during the coming days and nights because she thought he, the King Cobra of Slytherin, would never like her, the Gryffindor bookworm. . . and then, when he had offered his love to her, she had taken it without question - innocent, naïve Hermione Granger had fallen for Draco Malfoy's charm. 

_But I don't know him anymore  
There's nothing where he used to lie  
My conversation has run dry  
That's what's going on  
Nothing's fine I'm torn_

Hermione slowly sang on - her favorite song before she had come to Hogwarts. But only now that she knew the pain of being betrayed did she truly understand its meaning. 

_How could I have been so blind? I thought I knew him. . I thought he had changed. . .but this – I don't recognize this Draco. . .or perhaps I should say I never knew him – not the true him, at least. . . well, I did – before that night. . .but I didn't want to accept it anymore. . .I only wanted to see the new him. . . he blinded me with his understanding. _

Hermione closed her eyes, blocking out the world around her, thinking back to that night in the library. . . 

_Moonlight fell onto a shaking figure hunched by one of the library's large windows. She was all alone, her friends had abandoned her because they thought she had betrayed them by not wanting to go out with Ron. It seemed they had no respect for her feelings. She had nobody to talk to, nobody to confide in. _

Then, suddenly, she was not alone anymore – someone came, taking her into his arms, and she felt safe, protected from the world. Afterwards, she could not remember how long they sat there before she finally looked up to see his face, to see a caring expression that had never been on his features before. He was almost handsome like that – no, he was handsome. A pity he usually hid his good looks behind a sneer. . . 

Normally, she would have jumped up and run away in fear, but after her friends had suddenly turned against her she did not question his presence – why not, after all? If they didn't want her, what should keep her from "fraternizing with the enemy", as Ron would have said? Her surprise was replaced by the pain of remembrance, and Hermione couldn't help but spill everything to Draco. All her pent up emotions just suddenly seemed to stream out of her mouth, a waterfall of human emotion - like a force of nature, unstoppable, uncontrollable. 

And he listened when her friends had turned away. Not only that, he comforted her. In that moment he truly seemed like some angel come down from heaven to save her. 

Blinded by love and pain, Hermione had forgotten all the things Draco had ever done to her, she had eradicated all her previous hate towards him – partly because she was using it all against herself, hating herself for hurting Ron, hating herself for being who she was, hating herself for being a girl no guy could truly love. . . 

_I'm all out of faith  
This is how I feel  
I'm cold and I am shamed  
Lying naked on the floor  
_

Hermione did not believe in love anymore - how could she? Both times it had been illusion – loving Ron had not been love, but affection that she mistook for love. She had realized that when she loved Draco - yes, she had loved him with all her heart, but that too had only been an illusion. He had only been using her, and she, naïve as she was, had fallen for it. She had let him take her virginity, for Christ's sake! At this, her fingernails dug painfully into her palms as she balled her hands into fists. 

When he had finished with her, he had curled his lips into the smirk that had been absent from his face during all the time she had loved him. Cruelly, he had laughed. "Thanks, Granger!" had been his last words before he left the room, still smiling to himself. She had remained in the room, in a state of numbed shock - naked, defenseless, _used_. Only then had she recognized the cruel game he had been playing for what it was – his way of entertainment, of mockery. 

Disgusted at herself, she had showered for a long time, letting the hot water run over her mistreated body, trying to wash off her sins and all the memories that came with them. . . but the water had felt too much like his caress, and the heat had reminded her too much of the warmth she felt when he was close to her. Not even switching to cold water had helped – it had made her feel cold, cold and alone, without hope for a better future. 

_Illusion never changed  
Into something real  
I'm wide awake  
And I can see  
The perfect sky is torn  
_

She had thought it was true love, the kind that overcame all obstacles - she had been ready to confess her love for Draco to Harry and Ron, even if it meant breaking her friendship with them. She had been so grateful when they had forgiven her, and now she was ready to throw it all away again – just because of Draco. But it never was more than delusion. . . 

_It just seemed so. . .perfect and permanent. Love forever. . . what a lie! It doesn't exist, it can't exist unless time were frozen. But time won't stop or wait for anyone. . . and I've wasted so much of mine because of that awful, inconsiderate. . .I hate him! And not only time. . ._

Draco had ruined so much for her – she was no longer a virgin, no longer considered trustworthy by most, many even considered her as a slut, and he had changed HER, making her bitter and dejected – her life was tainted by the mere memory of him. Yet, as Hermione was singing and looking up at the sky, it seemed so perfect, completely unblemished – as if there was not one miserable being under its vast expanse. 

_How can the sky be so blue? It should be dark, it should be raining, crying for me. . . but it seems that nobody cares. . . I am just a useless little girl in a world containing billions of other people after all. . . and not one of them loves me. . ._

In this moment, Hermione felt more alone than ever before - after her breakup with Ron there had at least been hope left. . .now, she could see nothing. The end of her tunnel was dark, filled only with shadow and despair. 

_You're a little late  
I'm already torn _

She had stayed in the girl's dormitory for a week after that, not daring to go outside and face the other students, least of all Harry and Ron. She had missed a whole week of classes, her grades had plummeted - but Hermione did not care. She was far too preoccupied with hating herself to take in anything that went on in the world around her. Lavender and Parvati had left her alone, they had been rather cold for a while because Hermione was so skeptical about Professor Trelawney and they were disgusted at her for betraying Gryffindor by sleeping with Draco Malfoy – of all people! Harry and Ron had been appalled at first, thinking that she had broken up with Ron because of Draco – their sworn enemy! But when Hermione failed to turn up for her classes, they started to worry. They had been through so much together – how could they throw away their friendship because of an unclear reason? They had decided to confront her, but she would not see them. 

_How could I have let this happen? Why was I so blind? I am so weak – why couldn't I just stick to my schoolwork instead of messing with things I don't understand? Look at how bad I am at flying! Shouldn't that have taught me not to meddle with things that can't be learned out of books? I just wanted to see what it was like to love and be loved. . .how did things ever get this far? _

Hermione simply did not have the strength to face her best friends during that week. She knew that Draco would not keep this as a secret, and she was sure that all the halls would be filled with buzzing - evil whispers and cruel laughs about her, perhaps even pity here and there – pity for her naivety . . . How could Ron and Harry ever forgive her? 

When she had finally met them, they had not accused her. Ron had finally learned how to use his heart, he showed her that he did love her . . . and she had had to hurt him again - she could not believe in love anymore. Hermione had been broken. 

_So I guess the fortune teller's right  
Should have seen just what was there  
And not some holy light  
Which crawled beneath my veins_

Yes, Professor Trelawney had somehow been right - Hermione did not possess the inner eye, she had not foreseen the catastrophic consequences of her love. Draco had seemed like a savior to her, an angel come to catch her, saving her from hitting the ground in despair. He had somehow wormed his way into her heart, deceiving her, blinding her until all she could see was him. 

_How could he. . . how could he delude me this way? How did he make me think of him as my guardian angel, ready to save me from all the evil in this world? _

Still more sobs shook her, upsetting the grass surrounding her body. She had cried more during the past week than ever before. Had it really only been today that she had left the security of her bed? She would not have if it had not been for Professor McGonagall who had demanded she come out. . . And had it really only been today that she had seen Ron's love for her? Finally, he had let himself go, he had showed her that he really did care and that he had realized how much she really meant to him. But there was no love in this world - at least not to Hermione. 

_And now I don't care  
I had no luck  
I don't miss it all that much  
There's just so many things  
That I can touch I'm torn _

Hermione could not be miserable about it anymore. She was not made for love – it was just something she had to accept. She simply could not imagine ever loving again for fear of being hurt, and because she would always be afraid of betrayal, meaning a key ingredient of love would be missing – trust. 

The only love she would ever know was the love for books. . .and the love that was described in books, though she doubted she would ever be able to read a romance novel again – love was just a hallucination, it was all false, all pretence. 

_I'm all out of faith  
This is how I feel  
I'm cold and I am shamed  
Lying naked on the floor  
Illusion never changed  
Into something real  
I'm wide awake  
And I can see  
The perfect sky is torn  
You're a little late  
I'm already torn  
Torn _

There's nothing where he used to lie  
My inspiration has run dry  
That's what's going on  
Nothing's right I'm torn 

I'm all out of faith  
This is how I feel  
I'm cold and I am shamed  
Lying naked on the floor  
Illusion never changed  
Into something real  
I'm wide awake  
And I can see  
The perfect sky is torn 

I'm all out of faith  
This is how I feel  
I'm cold and I'm ashamed  
Bound and broken on the floor  
You're a little late  
I'm already torn  
Torn... 

Quietly, she exhaled the last few words of the song. It had helped release some of her distress, but deep inside, Hermione still felt dirty, tainted. . . the kind of dirt that could not be washed off by any power humans or wizards possessed. Only time had that power. . . and time was always passing. The only hope for Hermione lay in the future, though the path there was filled with obstacles and more pain. 

Slowly, one last tear traced its way down her face before disappearing into the shadow of her brown curls. She had no more tears left. 

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A/N 2: Please tell me what you think, it's not hard. . . see that little button down there on the left? ^^   
I need to know because if you like it I might write some other ones. Thankoo! 

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